Shape of My Heart
by Lune-Solei
Summary: Zechs reflects on his relationship with Noin. 6x9. Songfic.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Gundam Wing_ or Shape of My Heart. Shape of My Heart belongs to The Backstreet Boys. I only borrowed it.

**Rating:** Er…G.

**Pairing:** 6x9

**Author's Note:** Uh…well, this kinda occurred to me recently. I like parts of it, others…not so much. But try as I might I can't get the parts I don't like to mesh cohesively. So this is the product. This is my first time writing a 6x9 songfic, and an exclusive 6x9 fic as well so be nice?

**Dedication:** Uh…To Emi because she is Emi?

* * *

**Hmm, yeah, yeah  
Baby, please try to forgive me  
Stay here don't put out the glow  
Hold me now don't bother if every minute it makes me weaker  
You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah**

Walking through the flat one might not find anything all that strange at first. At least until one would enter the bathroom and notice there was no mirror. Then, that would open the viewer's eyes to the other strange oddities of Zechs Merquise's flat. Such as no pictures on display except for one of a young girl with gold hair and ocean colored eyes. She is sitting on a boulder, the endless ocean behind her, and the wind is playing with her hair. She looks unaware of the picture being taken, happy and carefree. This picture is half hidden behind novels and tactical manuals and not many people notice it.

The second picture is of a young woman with dark hair and eyes. She's wearing a uniform and grinning brightly at the camera. Her arm is wrapped around the waist of a young man with long blonde hair and a silver mask, also wearing a uniform. He isn't staring at the camera; instead his head is turned, watching her be happy. This one is hidden in the bedroom, next to the old lamp and behind the small music player he bought a few months back. The edges of the wood frame are worn in places, showing evidence of being handled many times and one corner is chipped from being dropped.

Noin notices the mirrors first. This is only because she used to tease him about being vain of his looks when they were younger. The absence is startling but she doesn't comment because she trusts his judgment. Just as she doesn't comment on the fact that Zechs hates drinking but more often than not she's the one picking him up from a bar late at night or early in the morning depending on how one chose to look at it. Instead she smiles, agreeing to keep quiet that he is in fact still alive. She trusts him to make his own time.

She also trusts that he'll return to how he was. She trusts him to share with her what happened, but when he's ready, not when she's pushing. So, she waits and she trusts in the man she loves. And she sits with him at night, as he drinks himself numb and explains in slurred tones why she shouldn't be there, and why he can't see his sister. She braids his hair when he's too drunk to care, and reassures him quietly, and simply exists because she _understands_ even if he doesn't.

**Lookin' back on the things I've done  
I was tryin' to be someone  
I played my part, kept you in the dark  
Now let me show you the shape of my heart**

He doesn't understand how she can stay with him. How she can continue to whisper lovingly in his ear. How she can continue to support him, but he appreciates it and he vows that he _will_ do right by her. Eventually. She deserves that because of all the shit he's put her through, from Academy days to the war, to letting her believe him dead for almost four months (she later reminded him it was three months, two weeks, and five days).

So now he tries to win her back, even if she tells him that he's never lost her.

On nights like these, he swears he won't drink anymore. He's too intoxicated by her presence to desire the buzz of alcohol. Instead he soaks up the soothing feeling of her by his side, her head nestled to his chest, tucked beneath his chin, and he wonders how he almost let her slip through his fingers. She laughs when he muses aloud, telling him she never would have fallen, would have held on desperately to the hand and he smiles as well. He knows it's true.

He watches her, firelight flickering enticingly in her dark hair. Her eyes are half closed and she smells of lavender and vanilla. He presses his lips against her temple and she gives him a sleep-tinted smile and snuggles closer. He prays to any God out there willing to listen to him that he can make amends with this woman.

**Sadness is beautiful loneliness that's tragical  
So help me I can't win this war, oh no  
Touch me now don't bother if every second it makes me weaker  
You can save me from the man I've become**

She introduces things to his apartment gradually.

First it's a new picture, in a simple ebony frame. In it is a photograph of the two of them. It's from their Academy days, when they're still young, happy, and naïve. Or, rather, not naïve, but more innocent than they are now. They're sitting in the shade of a tree and her head is resting on his shoulder as she dozes. He has a captivated look on his face, or at least it appears that way since the mask hides most of his face. Another picture is set on the small table by the door and shows them on vacation together in Paris. They're in front of the Eiffel Tower and he's not wearing the silver mask for once.

Then it's a couple of pictures set around the flat in plain sight. One sits on the bookshelf, a young woman with long blonde hair and the same ocean eyes as the little girl. His sister, grown up. She's relaxing on a picnic blanket, basket next to her and Tupperware scattered and empty, grinning at the camera. Another (hidden on the credenza next to a tea service) shows Relena dressed in formal wear, grinning still, as she's on her way to another political gathering.

Finally, she sneaks in one night when she knows he's at the bar across town getting smashed on vodka or scotch, maybe bourbon tonight, and hangs a mirror in the bathroom. She wonders vaguely how long it'll take him to realize it's there but doesn't dwell on the thought because he's calling her for a ride. She takes one last look around the flat, making sure to grab the hammer, and sighs.

She hopes fervently that these items can remind him of his humanity.

**I played my part, kept you in the dark  
Now let me show you the shape of my heart  
Lookin' back on the things I've done  
I was tryin' to be someone**

He loves her.

He's known this since he was sixteen and they were fencing. But he had no right to love her, no right even to be her friend. So he stayed quiet even when he realized that she was falling in love with him and he yelled at himself and did despicable things to her. He shut her out, he fought with her, he yelled and cursed at her, and still she stood by him. Oh, she got in his face too. She told him when he was out of line and yelled and cursed just as loudly. She told him he was hot-headed and self centered and she slapped him in the face after one incident involving a malfunctioning Mobile Suit and a yacht. He'd grabbed her and kissed her in retaliation.

And then they'd graduated and he hadn't seen her until the war. He'd shut her out once more because he still had no right to love her and there was no place for love in war. She hadn't thought so and had fought him on it almost every second they were in Antarctica. He acted indifferent to her though and she seemed hurt and he added another tally to his mental board of Why I Don't Deserve To Love Lucrezia Noin.

But that's the past now. Now there is no war and no more running, except from himself. And she's still here, after all these years she's still here, by his side. Trying to help him in that quiet understanding way of hers that leaves him more confused than ever. Like when he notices the mirror for the first time one morning after his shower and he can't help but stare at his reflection, hair wet and toothbrush sticking out from his mouth. And as he stares and sees all the scars left over from Libra's explosion, he can't help but laugh and laugh at his image.

And then he notices the sticky note wedged into a corner of it and he frowns, reaching over and grabbing it. It's lime green with purple writing and he grins at the sight of her familiar handwriting. _Hopefully now you see yourself as I see you_. He glances back to the mirror and frowns. No, he probably doesn't see the same thing, but he thinks he might see it hiding in the shadows.

**I'm here with my confession  
Got nothing to hide no more  
I don't know where to start  
But to show you the shape of my heart**

He can still remember the look on her face when she'd entered her apartment and saw the candlelit dinner laid out on the dining room table. She'd been shocked and confused, but had smiled the most beautiful smile he'd seen on her face in years when she'd turned and seen him standing by the living room window, a bouquet of Stargazer lilies in his hand. She'd dropped her bag, closed her eyes, and he knew she'd been counting silently, before opening them and staring at him.

"Zechs Merquise," she'd laughed. Then, without warning, she'd dashed across the room and thrown her arms around him, holding him tight. He'd smiled, relaxed, and hugged her back, careful of the flowers. "What on Earth were you thinking?" she demanded, gesturing to the red draped table.

"To surprise you," he'd countered lightly. She had laughed, taking the lilies and putting them in the vase on the table, glancing at him every so often.

That had been when he'd first revealed to her that he was in fact alive though, over five months ago. Since then he'd tried to be better, to heal and to forget about his past discretions. And she'd been a guiding light (or a hidden sticky note here and there) through it all. He's faced not only his own war, but the Eve Wars and a potential coup and he doesn't know how he would have survived without her.

So now he's going to surprise her properly.

He doesn't go fancy, instead he cooks simple and she brings wine, laughing happily when she sees the lilies awaiting her. They eat and talk about work and life in general, and after her second glass she begins to admonish him as usual, this time for ignoring his sister and not visiting her. He laughs and jokes, and lets it slide, happy to see that he can still make her smile and still make her eyes dance. She doesn't question the meal because she has learned long ago that this is His Way and he will always be like this.

But after the dishes are washed and stored and they're sitting on the sofa listening to music and feeling the warmth of fire and wine she gets curious. And she watches as he pulls back slightly, setting the glass by the bottle and meeting her eyes. She sits as well, head tilted and a smile is stolen when he brushes back her bangs.

"What are you up to now Zechs?" she sighs, laughter lighting up her eyes.

"I love you." It's the first time he's ever told her and he watches her eyes grow wide before another smile steals across her lips. She reaches up and twists a strand of platinum hair around her finger absently.

"I know," she whispers. And when their eyes meet its like electricity and he's glad that she's perceptive and understanding and really quite a good kisser.

**I'm lookin' back on things I've done  
I never wanna play the same old part  
I'll keep you in the dark  
Now let me show you the shape of my heart**

He wonders how she could love him but he doesn't dwell on these thoughts because he's glad she does. She makes him visit Relena of course, because they both know the girl is worried about him. And he doesn't know what to say or how to act and Noin simply laughs the whole drive over because of his questions. He doesn't have to worry though because as soon as he sees her, she throws herself into his arms, hugging him tightly. Before he can gather his wits she's scolding him for not visiting her sooner and asking if he plans on taking over the world again.

"I told you she loves you," Noin comments on the drive back to _their_ flat. He isn't used to that idea. To either idea really. She laughs at his puzzlement and rolls down her window, letting the wind pull at her hair and run away with her laughter.

"You need to stop punishing yourself Zechs," she adds. Dark eyes stare at him and he shrugs noncommittally. She rolls her eyes once more and stretches. "I love you, despite all your faults so get over it, okay?"

He glances at her and grins. "Okay."

"Good."

**Lookin' back on the things I've done  
I was tryin' to be someone  
I played my part, kept you in the dark  
Now let me show you the shape of my heart**

_Of course that didn't last,_ he muses one afternoon after Lady Une had summoned him to her office. Noin stares at him avidly all through dinner and he knows she senses something but she waits, patiently. Always patient, always waiting. He stares at her in turn, wondering why she would wait, why she should wait.

"Relena started a project on Mars."

"I know."

He glances up sharply, quickly, to try to catch her eye, to see just _how much_ she knew. But she's staring at the chicken on her plate, not at him. He grumbles silently, contemplates forgetting about it, but she deserves some sort of response. "I think I'm going to help out. Une says Relena wanted her to mention it to me."

"Hm." She finishes eating and raises her eyes to his. "I'm going with you."

"Noin…no." Her eyes narrow and he swallows. "You've given up so much…"

"I love you Zechs Merquise and you can't get away from me by just going to Mars. Forget it. I'm coming with you because I am _not_ letting you have a relapse of pitying yourself and believing yourself worthless. Is that understood?"

His lips twitch a little despite his best intent. "Yes ma'am." He adds a salute for good measure and her face breaks, laughter wracking her body and he grins openly. "Noin, I'm glad you're coming."

**Lookin' back on the things I've done  
I was tryin' to be someone  
I played my part, kept you in the dark  
Now let me show you the shape of my heart**

"Are you still feeling sorry for yourself?" she asks suddenly.

He glances at her, space stretching endlessly behind her, before he returns his gaze to the chessboard in front of him. "No, but I have a feeling my Queen is history."

She does a quick sweep of the board and smiles. "Probably."

He sighs and meets her eyes. "You aren't going to tell me the move I can make to save her, are you?"

A smirk that eerily resembles one of Heero Yuy's crosses her face and he swallows. "No," she teases, "after the hell you've put me through these past two years you deserve it."

"Noin…"

"Look, I'll say it again, I want to be here. I want to be by your side, okay?"

"Okay. But I was just going to say Checkmate."

"What?" She stares at the chessboard, flabbergasted, and he laughs. "How did you…How? I was going to win!" She shoves him to get him to stop laughing. "You're probably cheating, like you did at the Academy."

"I did not cheat then, or ever, Noin. I just got lucky this once," he laughs. His eyes meet hers and she grins back.

"Only this once?"

"Only since I met you."

**Show you the shape of my heart**


End file.
